Shit mechanics deal with part 2

Generally speaking people seek way to entertain themselves

while at work.

Mechanics are no different really,

we just seemingly have a non stop parade of opportunity.

Like this gem provided to us by Cannondale.

Ser.i.ously?

WTF was being passed around in the board room that day?

Yeah, the bike is old but not old enough to escape the DUH factor

of using EPO as a marketing splash on a bike.

Everybody wants a stiff road bike.

Everybody.

Well, lets make a carbon road frame so strong...

you can get hit by a car and the frame won't budge.

Scott wins, Shimano fails.

That there is a Ultegra crank bent from contact with a moving car.

Frame says fuck you I ain't moving.

WOW is all I could think. Carbon that didn't snap. Go figure.

Days go by, you plod through the usual bike ailments. 

Then a little gem pops in and you either 

Hope you get the bike in your stand

OR

Hope your timing is just right so you screw your co worker.

I chose the latter on this puppy.

Not because it is a POS ( every body loves their bike right?)

But as an old man I didn't think I could lift it.

Ever have someone ask you for the valve nuts?

Ever wonder why?

now you know.

Just ease back and let the awesome soak in.

Judy if you care.

not soaked in yet?

So how much wrong is going on here?

I for one am certain this guy never ever participates in Drunkcyclist.

How could you?

one stumble and you are well on your way to bleeding out or the ER due to the parting of the Red Sea that used to be your lower leg.

O-ring clamps can cut a bitch.

Now I for one don't mind wrenching.

If you look back a few I used to be pretty damn sour. 

Then I learned that I should not just take a job anywhere, but choose where I want to spin wrenches.

So I did.

I am pretty happy at work.

Unless you are a dick.

No body likes a dick.

I do however dislike certain things that a wrench must deal with.

This is near the top of the list.

On this day Itwasthewholedamnlist

Just 

Why?

Seriously this is like a big Fuck YOU

to the guy playing catcher in this game.

there is probably a part three coming.

Yourbikehatesyou

only the road bikers can save us

Just look at the amazing things that could happen if road bike manufacturers 

would only take the time to help us poor mountain bikers out

Shit mechanics deal with part one...

People see shit everyday.

So what's the big deal?

Sweet stack height...oh and mount.

The big deal is that when you deal with a toy for a living

people do really weird shit.

Which can piss you off if you let it,

or as I have begun to learn,

can really allow you to make fun of people

to feel better about yourself.

These toys are not just average.

They are what most people I know use to free themselves from 

the daily grind.

Escape from the boring bullshit people do for money.

It is their drug.

It is my drug.

Itiswhatitrulylivefortheultimateescape.

People can really fuck this experience up.

I decided I really enjoy one aspect of wrenching in particular.

Bring me these, I love, love, love scraping 20 years of crusty lube and trail off pulleys.  Seriously.

( OK two if you count writing this blog and making light of douche bags)

For me I like teaching people about their whip.

This is a dangerous slope.

As a wrench it can be difficult at times for your work to seem valid.

Asshats tend to think you are just a kid or loser fixing bikes.

Not exactly a technician.

but factor in the rising cost of a bike....

Do you really want some loser kid fixing your $5,000 bike?

Hell, you want some loser kid dialing in your $500 bike?

Not if you are forking over money.

But I really dig it when people are NOT asshats and treat you like a human.

People as a rule tend to not do this too often.

When people have their shit go awry they forget themselves.

They are really just frustrated,

 they have to admit they know 

jack about fixing it.

Don't believe me?

Next time your car craps out and you get bent on the bill,

are you really mad at the $$$

or that you couldn't do it yourself?

Computer issues? 

In todays world that one can really FUBAR your day.

It tends to make you all sideways.   

And chances are you can't fix it.

Pissed, right?

This is gonna be fun.

So that's not good

Which explains a whole lotta this.

Welcome back to the pit

Well that was interesting.

Took a wee bit off to try my hand at the backside of the industry for a while.

Fuck that,

it's an incest ridden clan I can not seem to find my way amongst.

Do things that make you happy they say.

So I am back wrenching, a lot less pissed and a lot smarter.

You can teach an old dog new tricks if they want to learn.

I must want to learn because I am also hitting the books full time as well.

Fifty hour a week job and then some learning off the clock.

Let's get to the smarter.

I chose where I wanted to work like I would chose where I would want my bike wrenched upon.

Step one.

Would you shit in there?

Would you let your lady friend sit down on the seat?

There is a long time myth of really disgusting bathrooms making a shop hardcore.

Really?

If they can't be bothered to clean up their own shit you feel good paying them to 

fix your bike?

It's all about attention to detail, personally that is one big detail.

Step two.

I really have no need for anyone to fix my bike. I can do it just fine.

Now say I was out of town, without tools, and we all know about borrowing tools.

Click

So where would I bring my bike?

Probably not to the guy whose shop looks like hell.

That whole mystique thing is shit.

Probably a good wrench but not with all the carbon, hydro, squish, and computer shit

that permeates our industry nowadays.

 I want to be seen and trusted as a technician -- hell I want to be paid like one as well.

So the dirtbagwithattitudeholeinthewall is out.

I want to serve people who take pride in their bike and want to see me do the same.

Step three.

Interview the shop. 

wait, what?

Yeah man. If I am going to spend 9-10 hours a day there I guess I should 

WANT TO.

Fuck going to a place I hate everyday, that's why I left the other deal.

What are the owners about?, the people they hire?, do they have the same goals as I do?

I don't want to get a check and go, feeding some other guys dream.

Hell man I want to get some of mine as well.

Are they in it for the same reasons I am?

I prefer to not shlep at a mom and pop. 

Nothing wrong with them but I know where I fit best,

I want what I want.

So I guess I should choose a shop that gets down like I want to get down.

It's only fair

then the people paying me are happy

because I am happy.

Happy is good.

yourbikehatesyou

How to get the shit kicked outta you this weekend...

Step one:

Enter your local bike shop and saunter up to the wrench.

Wait until he/she is just about to spin a wrench and ask any of the following:

" did you watch it"

Uh, WTF are you talking about?

The porn link my buddy sent me?

A1?

or this:

"what do you think about Lance?"

I'll go with the Drunkcyclist.com on this one

Step two:

Proceed to ignore being ignored and continue to try to show the 

crew you are in the know, and begin to bedazzle them with your personal insights into

wecouldgiveafucklesstoday.

Step three:

This one is simple.

yougetyourwankerassbeaten

with this:

It's nice as hell outside today,

go ride.

And keep you mouth shut about Doprah.

Some of us a nursing a two day bender...

death game

judgement day

How do you define your success'?

Is it having the right worldly possessions, being in full tune with trending technical 

who ha's ? 

Is it critical for you to be on top of the latest look, cutting edge fashions that are here for a blink?

 A movement so flighty it changes direction more than butterflies in the wind. 

Most people I surround myself with are unlike

the rest of the followers.

No beat.

No drum.

Just a wanderlust built into their very soul.

A passion for doing,

hearing the whisper, the faint murmur,

the thing deep inside that says 

Hell why not?

A good friend always tells me:

" all you gotta do is do it"

Bam.

Think about that for more than a second.

" all you gotta do is do it".

You have, more than once, become your own worst enemy.

Chances are that if you are here reading this you are one of the few people

 smart enough

 and strong enough to 

wake the fuck up, and do.

As a angst ridden punk rock skate rat

 "the trick" would haunt me, taunt me, and on occasion break me.

No matter how many times I slammed

something drove me to get up and do it again.

Deny the pain its place in the body, however briefly. 

It would have to wait,

because I was going to get it,

that trick was an obstacle in my path.

In my world, I conquered, I could out sweat, out slam

and sure as hell out bleed

ANY obstacle that was denying me my victory.

It's easy to sit there and say it's all too hard.

Right now you are hopefully drinking a cup of Joe, tea, or whatever lights your daily fire,

planning your victories.

Or as the same friend says:

" good bad ideas"

If you are reading this because you have been behind the monitor for too damn long.

Get the fuck out and do.

Plan your next good bad idea by opening the door, grabbing whatever propels you through life,

and go smash it.

Today's goal was to learn kick flips again and maybe some variations.

(I learned the opposite of this ^)

I learned that skating, is like losing a fight every minute.

There are glimpses of victory. 

Brief respites from gravity's pull.

But if you are doing it right, most likely you are losing most of the time.

( insert me there )

And I'll be damned if that doesn't feel great.

The other option is quitting.

In cycling it's the climb.

Road or mountain.

It's all the same pain.

Sure you make it to the top,

but it wasn't fast enough.

( Straight up, if you Strava that climb,  see that Johnny beat you, and then you get shitty, go fuck completely off. YOU should drive yourself to beat YOU. Johnny doesn't even know who the fuck you are.)

So you ride more. 

Push a bigger gear. 

Just smash over the obstacle in your way, floating over it, not letting the earth dictate your pathway upon it. 

You win.

 One more gear.

Soon your mouth tastes like your own blood. 

Your heart is residing in your ears and pounding out other worldly rhythms.

 The lungs that fuel you are thimbles, more air escapes than can ever hope to enter.

The top?

There is never a top. Just a place you quit.

"all you gotta do is do it."

You judge your accomplishments by the pain you feel in your body the next day.

That's how you know you are doing it.

yourbikehatesyou


teach it some respect.

Dirt.Soul.

It's the weird time of year for most of us.

Weather tempts us to ride with rays of sun peeking through clouds, but the bitter cold air drives you inward, home bound.

For some it is the best time of year, the desert heat retreats to bring all day long adventure and moderate climate. The rain turns every corner into a slice of pie, freshly cooled and waiting to be sliced.

 I miss that sweet desert smell.

Unless you have experienced it there is no 

way to describe the way the desert floor smells when the ground can finally drink water.

I am not talking about the flora.

I mean the actual dirt, sand, and rock.

Any mountain biker worth their cuts knows what the dirt they ride on smells like.

It's simply inescapable. 

In my youth, earning my scars in Michigan, the earth smelled of death and life itself.

Earth wormy topsoil gave way to leaves rotting on the beach. That is the smell I grew up riding.

A very unique blend of rich leafy decay hiding sand. 

Your tires cracking open the topsoil gave subtle whiffs of the beach. 

Spring time brought about the smell of babies.

How else can you describe the complete onslaught that is Spring in Michigan?

Rainy, humid days giving way to cotton ball clouds swimming in a sea of perfect blue.

Life erupts from the ground, and from every pore in every cyclist.

I moved from the world of grey and greenhouse to the Sonoran Desert.

Twice.

People imagine images of wastelands when you mention the desert. 

Keep thinking that lemmings.

There is no greater misconception that I know of, and that I welcomed.

I was fortunate enough to live in the desert during two La Nina/ El Nino phases.

The desert Flora opens up in ways that are both mystical and unimaginable. 

The dirt.

Sage, mesquite, and floral bouquets that mingle with your soul as you carve your way

further and further away from the well worn path.

The Sonoran Desert creates a drug that drives you,

invites you to push it further,

explore that area,

drive deeper into yourself and 

go.

Just go.

There is no greater spectacle I have experienced on two wheels than

the three months of riding created by nature during the La Nina/El Nino phases.

It is something every rider should be graced with.

It will fill your soul,

encapsulate your body, 

destroy every preconceived notion you ever had about the desert.

 I am resurrecting myself from the pits of a three week hell. The flu and a sinus infection tag teamed me.

Sub 20 degree winter weather joined in the party for a menage a trois of epic doom and gloom.

As I am getting older, I realize the body hurts more when not used.

The bike becomes a temptress dressed as a dungeon, its chain shackling me to the bed, and smothering me in mucous and full body molecular pain.

Yesterdays ride on the front range was as pathetically delicious as one would imagine. 

A terrible performance driven by the joys of sun, warmer temps, and thawing high desert floor.

I am in a mix of geographic regions. Trees share fields with grass and cacti. 

Dirt is a mix of decaying leaves and granite heaved from the earth.

My nasal passages hide the beauty of smells from me.

Still plagued with the aftermath of the sinus infection, my body is driving me forward 

to explore the dirt.

The smell will come. Its sweetness pangs at my soul.

For now I will enjoy its feel and sights.

I will ride until I can experience the hidden treasures of its bouquet. 

I am eagerly awaiting adding another aroma to the palette.