Friday, December 2, 2011

so you wanna sleep with another man's wife eh?

This is something that every wrench doing any thing can relate to 
sent in via the gmail over there on the right.

Got issues?
Need to vacate the hate?
or just let others know you feel the pain.
Send it.

We are a tribe.
anywrench can grab beers with another and 
become brothers
or sisters.
We all share the grimy handshake
of people who wrench
for passion.

The following is sent from one of our brothers 
in the sleepy south,
completely unedited
and fully uncorked.

POP!

No.
Absolutely not.
You may NOT use the shop tools.
…and when you have your temper tantrum,
WE:
Don’t give a fuck if you work(ed) in a bicycle shop.
Don’t give a fuck who you know.
Don’t give a fuck if we hung out a couple times.
Don’t give a fuck if you brought beer.
Don’t give a fuck if you “fix” all your douche bag friend’s bikes.
by the way, we know they are douche bags,
because they come to you for “service”,
and you smell like Massengil


you really think you built your own bike.
You didn’t.
You took the slapped together as fast as possible with an impact wrench bike shaped object and put on the front wheel and handle bar.
Anyone can open a box, put on handlebars and a front wheel.
Idiots at WalMart do it every day, and you see how those toys work…
well, if you work(ed) in a real bicycle shop you would,
…and you wouldn’t be asking to borrow tools.
did you check the true and tension?
did you set the compression on the bearings?
brake pads line up at all?
is anything at all torqued correctly?

Fuck no they ain’t.
No?
No way asshole,
didn’t think so.
HACK.
When you get work done on your car, do you go to the shop and borrow tools?
When you buy a sandwich, do you make it yourself?
When you go to the bank, do you get your own money?
Fuck no you don’t, 
cuz you have respect
whether it is forced or not, you don’t cross that line.
You know not to fuck with the guy bringing you food, or balancing your checking account, or working on your car.
You know not to fuck with them because it is not your place.
if you did/do work in a real bicycle shop, you would know not to fuck with us,
and you would understand the reason why.
…but you don’t
cuz you’re arrogant as fuck,
believe you know as much as we do,
believe you got skillz.
You don’t.
You HACK
We LIVE.
(yourbikehatesyou)
by the way, we sell tools.
asshole.

4 comments:

  1. To "that guy".....We know you're a tool, because you don't own any!

    ReplyDelete
  2. YES! Fuck YES! I solute you sir!!

    "Can I come in the back and watch? Like will you show me how?" So you can go home and fuck your bike up in attempt just to bring it back in? I'll pass. I'm not your tutor dude... And if I am... PAY THE DUES SON!! AND BOW TO YOUR SENSEI!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I believe I have met this guy. He is the one who thinks there is a problem with his rim because every time he changes a tube with his flat head screwdriver he punctures the new tube. But it can't be him, he's worked on bikes before. It has to be the rim.

    ReplyDelete