Saturday, June 14, 2014

Tri Ahtle tez.

I fucking hate Tri season.

There I said it. I have been wrenching for years and still cannot comprehend the level of shit that Tri geeks lay down year after year after fucking holy hell year.

 If you fucktards could only her what every wrench in every shop says about you.




You spend six fucking months training for an event. Which means surely you have ridden your pile of parts a few miles. So then you obviously planned for the event, right? I mean you knew the date of the race. A few weeks ago you started your damn taper. You probably bought a damn plane ticket some time after your registration was complete. My guess is you are not sleeping in the woods. So maybe a hotel reservation? 

 So why in the holy fucking hell are you in my shop the day before your plane leaves asking me to box your pile of piss and electrolyte crust? You forget to plan that part douche tard? I mean surely this date just snuck right up on you. Ninja. Oh I am sorry you have a race and need it now? Oh fuck you are doing a triathlon? You must be a badass. 

 

Oh so now wait....You don't want to pay a rush fee? I mean, sorry you must be right. Certainly you are waaaaaay more important than the people who actually planned their bike repair/boxing out weeks in advance. Hell some of them are your fellow triathletards. Your are doing a FULL Ironman? Oh well right to the head of the line, future Navy Seal...

 OK. So now you have arrived at your destination for your "event". You were smart enough to show up a full two days early. Almost like you planned something. Buuuuuuttt you didn't. You come huffing and pufffing into my shop. On a Friday, and of course you need your bike built. LIKE. NOW. You have to spin out your legs from the flight. Sure. 

 You ever for one damn minute think that on a sunny 80 degree day that maybe we might be busy as hell? That maybe the Tri geeks that live here might have made an appointment to have their place reserved for work? That just maybe the people who live in our community and support us the other 360 days a year, and are patiently waiting AHEAD of you might just maybe deserve my time as well? 

 Another question...How in the fuck did you ride your bike three times a week or more training for this event and not notice your stem was cracked? That your housing was exploded. That your derailleur cable was stabbing you in the leg. Or that you haven't been able to shift into the big ring? I get it. maybe TSA fubared your bike. I accept that and would like to help, assuming you are not a prick and understand I cannot DO IT NOW, but will get it done TODAY.  But nope. You are doing a Tri, so you need it now. 


Coaches. I fucking hate you too. You make money training these fools. Maybe you want to start teaching them the proper way to treat service people. I am not asking for beer here ( I mean I am and will take it ), I am not asking for tip money ( I mean I am and will take that too ), but I am really just asking for you to teach your clients that bike maintenance and just a weeee bit of planning will really make their whole experience better. No pre event stress, no running around like an idiot. Just relaxing and enjoying the area before their "event". Most importantly teach them that I am a human. Let me say that again. MOST IMPORTANTLY TEACH THEM THAT I AM A HUMAN. A person who, as much as I disdain Triathletes for the above reasons, actually does want to help. It's just that other people planned. Other people are nicer. Other people see how damn busy the whole shop is busting their asses to help people. People just like you. 

 We don't sit there and figure out ways to screw you over. You have done a fine enough job of that already. Truly we want to help. We want to save your "event" for you. I want to dial your bike in so you have your personal best, the time of your life, and just basically crush the bike portion. I do. Really. and so does everyone else in my shop.

 All we ask is for you not to be such a compete shit head about it. Stop and think about someone other than yourself in this moment. This high level of stress you are projecting on the wrench or salesperson is not good for you or the person helping you. You are completing the stereotype. You are the reason this is being written.

Fuckihatetriseason.


yourbikehatestriseasontoostoppissingonit.

Oh and another thing....What the fuck is the deal with those socks and shit? 





3 comments:

  1. Plain and simple awesomeness. So funny I think I pooped.

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  2. Haha piss and electrolyte crust. We used to rent high-end tri bikes, and they would come back with piss on them. THE BIKES WERE WHITE. I'll piss in a wetsuit. Whatever. It keeps you warm while you're sitting out in the cold cold ocean. I've peed on lots of things drunk, too, but they were all mine (except the buildings). Some people's kids, I tell ya. Well-written. Made me laugh.

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  3. "If you fucktards could only her what every wrench in every shop says about you." So So True!

    ReplyDelete