Monday, November 28, 2011

Hater gonna hate

I musta made the big time!

I got some hate mailed to me
via the interwebs.

I like the interwebage.

Do you like the webs?

Apparently, YBHY touched a nerve with Duane.
Duane had particular issues with 

In fact he says:

I'm fat, so blow me asshole! I bike hard and long, all fat people are lazy? Not! I'm a triathlete and bust my ass 12-14 hours  a week training and yes, I eat right. We don't need your arrogant, ignorant ass posting shit like that.

Pretty sure, Duane,
that you lumped yourself in the category you are upset with.
Not me.
(In fact, if anyone it was Jamie.)
But, you really missed the point.


You see,
I know me some big boys.
 Guys who can throw the fuck down.

Say, like, this guy.

Now dirty ain't a fatty.
He ain't no leg shaving skinny ass roadie either.



You are entitled to your opinion, but really, the fat people who come in are working at getting in shape, a snobby attitude? Really?

The proverbial WE
cannot give you the snobby attitude.
In fact,
have to take it.
Take it like it's our jobs.
Because it is.

You see Duane. 
You fucking missed the goddamned point completely.

You don't enjoy being treated a certain way
because of your appearance.
Never mind how you roll,
never mind you can pedal some miles.

We don't like how people treat us,

Simply because we fix/sell/live/eat/drink

So Duane,
you are entitled to your opinion, but really, the people who help you get in shape, a snobby attitude? Really?

If we were gonna hate on you Duane.
It wouldn't be because of your weight, or shape.

It'd be because you TRI.

Cause that shit is funny.

Tri harder.


Saturday, November 26, 2011

Sign of the times....

Like many things in life,
 you need to stop and notice the signs.

The most notable is the fact that you have to pay extra

for turn signals on cars nowadays.

you don't?

must be people don't give a fuck then.

 looks like soccer mom don't give a fuck

that there says you really don't give a fuck.

that says thanksgiving 
just might be your favorite holiday.

just saying.

 or perhaps you need a different approach to saddle time

this next one screams Xbox, Playstation,

or just shitty parenting.

it don't rain much here.
nor is it humid.

this screams lawn sprinklers and couch potatoes.

back in my day we wore the shit outta bike parts.

and yeah, wise ass 
we did have video games in my youth.
i was just too poor to get to waste my days on them.

there is one sign you should never ignore.
its a warning sign if there ever was one.

stay the fuck away.

i don't need your " Help".

you brought your bike here for a reason.
you can't fix it .

unless you are invited 
no wrench wants to smell your breath on him/her
while they work.
 they don't want to ask you to move as you stand forever in the way.

we are not playing bikes.

we are not hanging out here.

unless you are one of the cool customers,

*(and there are actually those that qualify.)

we prefer you stay outta our jobspace.

we do this for a living.
it pays our mortgage,
car payment,
and puts beer in our fridge.

we know all to well
 you don't think this is a real job.
that's ok.
you don't really ride bikes.
you play bikes.

 this shit.
that dirt under our fingernails is ours.
we took it from every bike,
from every trail,
from every gutter in the road,
and made it our own

so you can play.

see the sign?

* as for cool customers...
it takes a sixer,
it takes never asking for a discount,
it takes a $5 grimy handshake,
it takes knowing the person you just handed your bike over to,
is really there to help.
that they receive nothing other than an hourly wage...
just like you.

oh and you get the knowledge that even when slammed 
and just about late for a ride
the wrench will fit you in.

cause you can

Monday, November 14, 2011

Why the fuck did you ask then?

Typical shit for any wrench
or shop grom.

But damn.


Yo, it's Monday so...

"What tires do you recommend?"

for the road these,
 they are cheap,
 they are flat protected,
 and they ride surprisingly well.

"My friends told me I should use...."
"I read online that....was the tire to use"


So can I please have my five minutes back! 
Seeing as you knew all the answers?


I make $X per hour no matter what the fuck I sell.

SO why the hell would I purposely waste my time,

Contrary to your thought process,
I have a ton of other shit I 
A.   would rather do
B. needed to do
C.  needed to do a day ago

So ask your friends to buy you tires.
And ask the goddamn internet to install your tires.

"What's better 26 or 29?"

It's sorta both.

Nitwits are now steadily trying to do the math on that.
Just know this.


If you ask me how light that is I will punch you in the nuts.

"Should I go tubeless?"

so here is your kit, here is a bunch of good luck,
and here are directions to the gas station air compressor.
take that shit outta here and really do it yourself.

Unless you meant...

"Can you convert these to tubeless FOR me?"

in which case sure.

Do every shop person 
a tremendous favor.

Do not waste time on a Monday.
Shit gets hectic.

Remember the bike YOU rode all weekend?
The one you pulled from the rafters,
aired it up and took it out.

Everyone else knows their bike.
The one they did the same thing too,
also, needs a LOT of work.

And they are in line 


( and apparently me)

Thursday, November 10, 2011

stupid is as awesome gets

This one is simple.

hey thieves,

yourbikehatesyou also.

Colorado Woman Spots Stolen Bike on Craigslist, Steals it Back

By Christina Ng | ABC News Blogs – 18 hours ago
                                 A Colorado woman took matters into her own hands when her bike was stolen from outside of a Boulder sports bar. She tracked down her stolen bike on Craigslist, pretended to be aninterested buyer and stole back her own bike.
Kathryn Lucas, 25, parked her bike outside of a bar where she went to watch a University of Coloradofootball game on the night of Oct. 4, according to ABC News’ Denver affiliate KMGH.
When she left the bar to head home, she discovered that her black Trek 1.2 road bike was missing. After filing a police report, she and her roommate began searching Craigslist to see if the thief was trying to sell the bike.
Sure enough, Lucas found a posting with a photo of her bike.  She immediately recognized her bike’s red handle-bar tape and her water bottle holder.
Lucas responded to the Craigslist ad, pretending to be an interested buyer. Minutes later, a person using the name “Lance Robinson” responded with his phone number and instructed her to text him so he could send her his address.
On Sunday, Lucas went to the man’s apartment complex and asked if she could test ride the bike.
“I started riding it and knew it was my bike, so I just kept riding it,” Lucas told KMGH. “I rode it to my car and then threw it it in my car and then drove away.”
Lucas said she had not been planning on getting the bike back that way, but took advantage of an opportunity and made a spur-of-the-moment decision.
“They were a lot bigger than I thought they were,” Lucas said. “I thought it’d be like a little person that stole bikes and I’d be like, ‘Hey, I called the police and that’s my bike and you’re trying to sell it to me,’ but I just took it for a ride and went with it.”
After she had recovered her bike, Lucas called the police and gave them the thief’s address. “Lance Robinson” turned out to be 18-year-old Denzel O’Neal Crawford, who did not have a prior police record.
Crawford was arrested, confessed to stealing the bike and was released on bond. Police also told Lucas that, though her recovery mission was successful, it was not a tactic they recommend, according to KMGH.
“They told me for future reference that I probably would not want to do that by myself,” Lucas said.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Anyone can wrench right? Save a few bucks do it yourself...

Wanna piss someone off?

Like on the quick?

Tell them their job is easy,
that they charge too much for their time,
that a monkey could do it.

Or be a total asshat and insult them before they even do their work.

Ever walk into a restaurant and piss off people who handle your food?

Shit will go down real quick.
Wrenches just don't do shit like foodservers.

Or you can entertain the heck outta me and any other wrench,
and do it yourself.

Case in point:

Install Carbon fork yourself.
Gotta save that $40.

Shit is easy right?

Just need the tools.

Look closely.

See what's wrong?

Then damnit,
you cannot work on your own shit.

Well, you can if you want to.
It's always good for a laugh.

See it now?


If you don't see it by now then 
Darwin wins again.


Ride hard, go fast,
and damnit...
take chances,
lots of them.

Truth be told that there is a Carbon Salsa fork.

If you didn't shit your pants then you are probably not a wrench.
Or you are dumb.
Really dense.

Thanks to the reporting of a fellow wrench.

and also
A friend of

On another note.
Everyone has their old shop.
the one they cut their teeth in.
Got their skills,
or just learned to change tubes.
A place you can call home base.

I was turned on to this particular stomping ground of a good friend.
They picked him up and dusted him off.

If you want things done correct.

Out East

Check out the good hands at

They'd be more than happy to take care of you proper.

And prevent the Darwin dude from winning.


Saturday, November 5, 2011

Weekend jamie s.

Wrenching on bikes ain't all pie in the sky.
We all deal with shit in our day to day grind.
Stupidity runs rampant in our society.

Jamie S. sent me a list of things he loves every day.

I made a hate ( HE REALLY MEANS LOVE!)  list today when I woke.

Top 10 things I hate about bike shop customers and the dumb shit they ask the wrench.(I know I shouldn't bit the hand that feeds me, but anyway)

10. Why don't they make any bikes in the U.S.A. anymore. " cause you're too cheap to buy them"
9. When I'm told by a fat lazy guy that he is a road cyclist. "he was sponsored in college"
8. When people think a $60 tune up will fix a worn out bike. " how hard can it be to fix bikes..."
7. Stop thinking you are a mechanic and fucking with your derailure limit screws, and saying you didn't. "they only turned them a little"

6. Explaining that "Schwinn bike" is a crap bike now. "except the ones that were always crap"
5. "Why is my tube flat? You just changed it the other day." Welcome to the desert dumb ass. " but they used a screwdriver to put it back on"
4. "It can't be that hard to tune a bicycle, is it?" And any idiot can do your job too.
3. "Couldn't I just use some WD-40 on my drive train?" " shit you can, and then I'll charge you the idiot fee as well"
2. "I need a new wheel this on keeps going flat." sir you mean a new tube and tire. " fucking sell them a wheel, stupid should hurt -- the wallet."
1. "I'm doing a sprint triathlon next weekend could you put some slick tires, this sweet bento box, and some carbon fiber aero bars on my mountain bike?" " Yes, and get them the propeller style aero water bottle mounts for their full suspension rig as well"

Can't say I don't hear the same.

Keep on wrenching,
somebody out there is happy you are.