Tuesday, December 20, 2011

To be a kid again...

Remember when you were young.

no matter
fucking what


Tomorrow AM.

It's on...

Grip it and rip it.


out there in the 

make adults a few of these.

just sayin.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Fat Bikes Fly Fine...

Forget calling them Snow Bikes.

Fat Bikes like life are what ya make it.


Sunday, December 11, 2011

what's in your bowl?

Wheaties ain't got shit on these skillz..

GETbreakfast from Ben Rowlands on Vimeo.

white people problems...

New guy here.
Took this over for the old guy,
who promises to send in Pics.
Torch has been passed and well...
here goes:

If you work in a shop you know 

You know.
"What do you mean I need a new tube?"

No they AREN'T fucking guaranteed for life.
You run over a nail
and goddamn right it'll go flat.

Please stop bitching about how much I charge you to fix it.
If you weren't so fuckin lazy you'd save $10 whole dollars.
Well no shit it took me 6 minutes to change your flat,

Do you know haw many lazy ass people there are ?
I've changed a million fuckin flats
I'd better be good at it.
Lazy wanker.

Oh, and just so you know.
that flat head screwdriver you plan on using to change your own flat 
when you get home...

( Because you too dumb to listen to me talk about Pedro's tire levers )

It's definitely gonna give you another flat,
and hopefully fuck up your rim.

"Whattya mean I need rim tape?"

" My bikes not ready?"
Says the hag who refused to wait for a call or pay attention to the due date on the work order.
Uh, no.
We open at 10. It's 10:01.
"Damn it. I drive the SUV. My husband has a Corvette, he wants to ride tonight after golf. He is going to be so mad."

Awesome. That's a real life altering problem. It's fucking Tuesday. You are out ruining people's days, and your husband is playing Golf. It must suck so hard being you. I mean, MOST people have to work
for a living. Not you, you rich fucking prick. Go get your hair did, and have some Lipo.

Your Tri is this weekend.
You need new
 areo-bars, a fit, all new cables & housing, and tubulars glued on...
I love it when you wait till 5pm on a Friday.
I love it even more when you try telling me all this while on your cell phone with your "Besty".
It makes things even more awesome when you yell at me.
Wanna know why?

I'm punching out at 5:30.

someone who isn't a total fuckingtardospaz
comes in with a real necessity,
talks TO me,
and is realistic in their expectations.

For that person...

and all while you wait in agony.
Cause you should understand
your problems


Uncensored - Louis C.K. - White People Problems
Louis C.K.ComediansStand-Up


" You don't have the new 2012 S Works 29er in my size? I was really hoping to have it for the race tomorrow..."

You mean the one you have been coming in everyday for a month to buy one damn thing at a time to help you train for?
You mean the one we set up for you everyday for two weeks?
The one you test rode 16 times?
 The one we fit you too?
The one you texted me 27 times about?
The one you refused to put on layaway?
Give a deposit on?
Place on 24 hour hold?
That one?

We sold it bitch. For cash. For full pop. To the guy who is gonna facefuckyouupeveryhillineveryraceforever.

Monday, December 5, 2011

the torch

comes a time when you gotta pass the torch.

not lay down but pass.

i find it rather pleasant to render knowledge gained to another soul,
ready to fight the fight.

there is so much to teach,
and even more that is unteachable.
i learned a lot from a dude back in the day...
taught me about cable stretch.
hung a frickin brick by cable to prove to a "boss type"
that yeah asshat, cables stretch

how do you exactly teach the fine tuning of cable tension 
on a weathered,
and severely downtrodden front derailleur?
one that should never have even been born,
were it not for walmart and the price driven two wheeled killers of our soul.
bikes that have no place.

or do they?

A friendly site posted pictures from a war torn region,
a mechanic,
a saviour,
in a severely war torn region. 
where looking the wrong direction can get you killed,
and speaking too long to the white devil may mean the end of your family.

them bikes there.
they are invincible.
the hands that touch those machines
are skilled beyond time
and hard.
harder than i.

Tina asked, what love has to do with it?
love is a simpletons description of what drives us.
treat me fairly and i'll fix anything.
I'll drop whatever $3000 rig i got going in the stand
to get a commuter up and running home in time for dinner,
to get the family jogger going,
and to get Fred back from his long 20 mile ride.

i'll even tell Fred that them whitey tighteys need to stay home,
would you?

i like sharing our well earned secrets
never claim i know them all.
learned something just a few days ago from someone i was 
passing on the handshake to.
never stop learning.

but please.
will someone stop this electrofucking11 bullshit?
when in the hell is this madness going to end?
ride that shit all by yourself in the
 garminzombiewattagefuckinapocalypse of marketingyoudontneedthatshitconsumerism
 that they are turning bikes into

i want bikes

the less plasticy

less plugged in


face it
a $9000 pedal bike
had better hit the 
g spot

Friday, December 2, 2011

so you wanna sleep with another man's wife eh?

This is something that every wrench doing any thing can relate to 
sent in via the gmail over there on the right.

Got issues?
Need to vacate the hate?
or just let others know you feel the pain.
Send it.

We are a tribe.
anywrench can grab beers with another and 
become brothers
or sisters.
We all share the grimy handshake
of people who wrench
for passion.

The following is sent from one of our brothers 
in the sleepy south,
completely unedited
and fully uncorked.


Absolutely not.
You may NOT use the shop tools.
…and when you have your temper tantrum,
Don’t give a fuck if you work(ed) in a bicycle shop.
Don’t give a fuck who you know.
Don’t give a fuck if we hung out a couple times.
Don’t give a fuck if you brought beer.
Don’t give a fuck if you “fix” all your douche bag friend’s bikes.
by the way, we know they are douche bags,
because they come to you for “service”,
and you smell like Massengil

you really think you built your own bike.
You didn’t.
You took the slapped together as fast as possible with an impact wrench bike shaped object and put on the front wheel and handle bar.
Anyone can open a box, put on handlebars and a front wheel.
Idiots at WalMart do it every day, and you see how those toys work…
well, if you work(ed) in a real bicycle shop you would,
…and you wouldn’t be asking to borrow tools.
did you check the true and tension?
did you set the compression on the bearings?
brake pads line up at all?
is anything at all torqued correctly?

Fuck no they ain’t.
No way asshole,
didn’t think so.
When you get work done on your car, do you go to the shop and borrow tools?
When you buy a sandwich, do you make it yourself?
When you go to the bank, do you get your own money?
Fuck no you don’t, 
cuz you have respect
whether it is forced or not, you don’t cross that line.
You know not to fuck with the guy bringing you food, or balancing your checking account, or working on your car.
You know not to fuck with them because it is not your place.
if you did/do work in a real bicycle shop, you would know not to fuck with us,
and you would understand the reason why.
…but you don’t
cuz you’re arrogant as fuck,
believe you know as much as we do,
believe you got skillz.
You don’t.
by the way, we sell tools.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Hater gonna hate

I musta made the big time!

I got some hate mailed to me
via the interwebs.

I like the interwebage.

Do you like the webs?

Apparently, YBHY touched a nerve with Duane.
Duane had particular issues with 

In fact he says:

I'm fat, so blow me asshole! I bike hard and long, all fat people are lazy? Not! I'm a triathlete and bust my ass 12-14 hours  a week training and yes, I eat right. We don't need your arrogant, ignorant ass posting shit like that.

Pretty sure, Duane,
that you lumped yourself in the category you are upset with.
Not me.
(In fact, if anyone it was Jamie.)
But, you really missed the point.


You see,
I know me some big boys.
 Guys who can throw the fuck down.

Say, like, this guy.

Now dirty ain't a fatty.
He ain't no leg shaving skinny ass roadie either.



You are entitled to your opinion, but really, the fat people who come in are working at getting in shape, a snobby attitude? Really?

The proverbial WE
cannot give you the snobby attitude.
In fact,
have to take it.
Take it like it's our jobs.
Because it is.

You see Duane. 
You fucking missed the goddamned point completely.

You don't enjoy being treated a certain way
because of your appearance.
Never mind how you roll,
never mind you can pedal some miles.

We don't like how people treat us,

Simply because we fix/sell/live/eat/drink

So Duane,
you are entitled to your opinion, but really, the people who help you get in shape, a snobby attitude? Really?

If we were gonna hate on you Duane.
It wouldn't be because of your weight, or shape.

It'd be because you TRI.

Cause that shit is funny.

Tri harder.


Saturday, November 26, 2011

Sign of the times....

Like many things in life,
 you need to stop and notice the signs.

The most notable is the fact that you have to pay extra

for turn signals on cars nowadays.

you don't?

must be people don't give a fuck then.

 looks like soccer mom don't give a fuck

that there says you really don't give a fuck.

that says thanksgiving 
just might be your favorite holiday.

just saying.

 or perhaps you need a different approach to saddle time

this next one screams Xbox, Playstation,

or just shitty parenting.

it don't rain much here.
nor is it humid.

this screams lawn sprinklers and couch potatoes.

back in my day we wore the shit outta bike parts.

and yeah, wise ass 
we did have video games in my youth.
i was just too poor to get to waste my days on them.

there is one sign you should never ignore.
its a warning sign if there ever was one.

stay the fuck away.

i don't need your " Help".

you brought your bike here for a reason.
you can't fix it .

unless you are invited 
no wrench wants to smell your breath on him/her
while they work.
 they don't want to ask you to move as you stand forever in the way.

we are not playing bikes.

we are not hanging out here.

unless you are one of the cool customers,

*(and there are actually those that qualify.)

we prefer you stay outta our jobspace.

we do this for a living.
it pays our mortgage,
car payment,
and puts beer in our fridge.

we know all to well
 you don't think this is a real job.
that's ok.
you don't really ride bikes.
you play bikes.

 this shit.
that dirt under our fingernails is ours.
we took it from every bike,
from every trail,
from every gutter in the road,
and made it our own

so you can play.

see the sign?

* as for cool customers...
it takes a sixer,
it takes never asking for a discount,
it takes a $5 grimy handshake,
it takes knowing the person you just handed your bike over to,
is really there to help.
that they receive nothing other than an hourly wage...
just like you.

oh and you get the knowledge that even when slammed 
and just about late for a ride
the wrench will fit you in.

cause you can

Monday, November 14, 2011

Why the fuck did you ask then?

Typical shit for any wrench
or shop grom.

But damn.


Yo, it's Monday so...

"What tires do you recommend?"

for the road these,
 they are cheap,
 they are flat protected,
 and they ride surprisingly well.

"My friends told me I should use...."
"I read online that....was the tire to use"


So can I please have my five minutes back! 
Seeing as you knew all the answers?


I make $X per hour no matter what the fuck I sell.

SO why the hell would I purposely waste my time,

Contrary to your thought process,
I have a ton of other shit I 
A.   would rather do
B. needed to do
C.  needed to do a day ago

So ask your friends to buy you tires.
And ask the goddamn internet to install your tires.

"What's better 26 or 29?"

It's sorta both.

Nitwits are now steadily trying to do the math on that.
Just know this.


If you ask me how light that is I will punch you in the nuts.

"Should I go tubeless?"

so here is your kit, here is a bunch of good luck,
and here are directions to the gas station air compressor.
take that shit outta here and really do it yourself.

Unless you meant...

"Can you convert these to tubeless FOR me?"

in which case sure.

Do every shop person 
a tremendous favor.

Do not waste time on a Monday.
Shit gets hectic.

Remember the bike YOU rode all weekend?
The one you pulled from the rafters,
aired it up and took it out.

Everyone else knows their bike.
The one they did the same thing too,
also, needs a LOT of work.

And they are in line 


( and apparently me)

Thursday, November 10, 2011

stupid is as awesome gets

This one is simple.

hey thieves,

yourbikehatesyou also.

Colorado Woman Spots Stolen Bike on Craigslist, Steals it Back

By Christina Ng | ABC News Blogs – 18 hours ago
                                 A Colorado woman took matters into her own hands when her bike was stolen from outside of a Boulder sports bar. She tracked down her stolen bike on Craigslist, pretended to be aninterested buyer and stole back her own bike.
Kathryn Lucas, 25, parked her bike outside of a bar where she went to watch a University of Coloradofootball game on the night of Oct. 4, according to ABC News’ Denver affiliate KMGH.
When she left the bar to head home, she discovered that her black Trek 1.2 road bike was missing. After filing a police report, she and her roommate began searching Craigslist to see if the thief was trying to sell the bike.
Sure enough, Lucas found a posting with a photo of her bike.  She immediately recognized her bike’s red handle-bar tape and her water bottle holder.
Lucas responded to the Craigslist ad, pretending to be an interested buyer. Minutes later, a person using the name “Lance Robinson” responded with his phone number and instructed her to text him so he could send her his address.
On Sunday, Lucas went to the man’s apartment complex and asked if she could test ride the bike.
“I started riding it and knew it was my bike, so I just kept riding it,” Lucas told KMGH. “I rode it to my car and then threw it it in my car and then drove away.”
Lucas said she had not been planning on getting the bike back that way, but took advantage of an opportunity and made a spur-of-the-moment decision.
“They were a lot bigger than I thought they were,” Lucas said. “I thought it’d be like a little person that stole bikes and I’d be like, ‘Hey, I called the police and that’s my bike and you’re trying to sell it to me,’ but I just took it for a ride and went with it.”
After she had recovered her bike, Lucas called the police and gave them the thief’s address. “Lance Robinson” turned out to be 18-year-old Denzel O’Neal Crawford, who did not have a prior police record.
Crawford was arrested, confessed to stealing the bike and was released on bond. Police also told Lucas that, though her recovery mission was successful, it was not a tactic they recommend, according to KMGH.
“They told me for future reference that I probably would not want to do that by myself,” Lucas said.