Saturday, June 14, 2014

Tri Ahtle tez.

I fucking hate Tri season.

There I said it. I have been wrenching for years and still cannot comprehend the level of shit that Tri geeks lay down year after year after fucking holy hell year.

 If you fucktards could only hear what every wrench in every shop says about you.

You spend six fucking months training for an event. Which means surely you have ridden your pile of parts a few miles. So then you obviously planned for the event, right? I mean you knew the date of the race. A few weeks ago you started your damn taper. You probably bought a damn plane ticket some time after your registration was complete. My guess is you are not sleeping in the woods. So maybe a hotel reservation? 

 So why in the holy fucking hell are you in my shop the day before your plane leaves asking me to box your pile of piss and electrolyte crust? You forget to plan that part douche tard? I mean surely this date just snuck right up on you. Ninja. Oh I am sorry you have a race and need it now? Oh fuck you are doing a triathlon? You must be a badass. 


Oh so now wait....You don't want to pay a rush fee? I mean, sorry you must be right. Certainly you are waaaaaay more important than the people who actually planned their bike repair/boxing out weeks in advance. Hell some of them are your fellow triathletards. Your are doing a FULL Ironman? Oh well right to the head of the line, future Navy Seal...

 OK. So now you have arrived at your destination for your "event". You were smart enough to show up a full two days early. Almost like you planned something. Buuuuuuttt you didn't. You come huffing and pufffing into my shop. On a Friday, and of course you need your bike built. LIKE. NOW. You have to spin out your legs from the flight. Sure. 

 You ever for one damn minute think that on a sunny 80 degree day that maybe we might be busy as hell? That maybe the Tri geeks that live here might have made an appointment to have their place reserved for work? That just maybe the people who live in our community and support us the other 360 days a year, and are patiently waiting AHEAD of you might just maybe deserve my time as well? 

 Another question...How in the fuck did you ride your bike three times a week or more training for this event and not notice your stem was cracked? That your housing was exploded. That your derailleur cable was stabbing you in the leg. Or that you haven't been able to shift into the big ring? I get it. maybe TSA fubared your bike. I accept that and would like to help, assuming you are not a prick and understand I cannot DO IT NOW, but will get it done TODAY.  But nope. You are doing a Tri, so you need it now. 

Coaches. I fucking hate you too. You make money training these fools. Maybe you want to start teaching them the proper way to treat service people. I am not asking for beer here ( I mean I am and will take it ), I am not asking for tip money ( I mean I am and will take that too ), but I am really just asking for you to teach your clients that bike maintenance and just a weeee bit of planning will really make their whole experience better. No pre event stress, no running around like an idiot. Just relaxing and enjoying the area before their "event". Most importantly teach them that I am a human. Let me say that again. MOST IMPORTANTLY TEACH THEM THAT I AM A HUMAN. A person who, as much as I disdain Triathletes for the above reasons, actually does want to help. It's just that other people planned. Other people are nicer. Other people see how damn busy the whole shop is busting their asses to help people. People just like you. 

 We don't sit there and figure out ways to screw you over. You have done a fine enough job of that already. Truly we want to help. We want to save your "event" for you. I want to dial your bike in so you have your personal best, the time of your life, and just basically crush the bike portion. I do. Really. and so does everyone else in my shop.

 All we ask is for you not to be such a compete shit head about it. Stop and think about someone other than yourself in this moment. This high level of stress you are projecting on the wrench or salesperson is not good for you or the person helping you. You are completing the stereotype. You are the reason this is being written.



Oh and another thing....What the fuck is the deal with those socks and shit? 

Friday, April 18, 2014

Stanley passes the pipe. #sramroaddiaries #Sram #buyourshitlemmings #standay

Minute mark 1:40. You issued a statement on a Friday afternoon. No doubt trying to buy time to figure out what the fuck you were going to do. No one can call in on a huge weekend of cross racing a few weeks before Nationals to figure out how to take care of the customer in front of my face.

 Never worked in a bike shop have you Mr. Day?

2:14   19,000 bikes. 5,000 in the hands of the consumer. Meaning the rest are on my sales floor or at Specialized/Trek/....

 You know the cross season hit in all reality sometime in August. When dealers had to have them on the floor or lose sales. Another side of this is the pressure Specy and Trek place on dealers to take their orders and increase their orders every season. Yet another side is the massive marketing campaign you put out insisting hydros were a necessity in 2013/14. ( every mechanic I know cringed, knowing your shit would suck. who was right? )

 Then this:

:15 seconds in you are lying to us.

:37 seconds in you are telling us how they failed. UHHHHH no shit. Pretty much sounds like every Juicy. UHHHH no shit sounds like every Elixir. UHHHHHH no shit sounds exactly like half of every Trail brake. Dude. Where is your head all the time?

 Oh yea. Laughing all the way to the bank. 'Cause your rich as fuck.

At 2:01 you basically admit you saw Shimano's normal looking hoods and realized your skyscraper hoods were ugly as fuck.

2:37 translation...we walked down to the corner liquor store and borrowed their freezer and coolers for lunch "testing".

 3:00 in is the highlight reel. He no sooner says everyone wants to get back on hydros when he has to look away from the camera. That my friends is what we call a tell in Poker. Just sayin....

Hey there Stanley, thanks so much for reading what your payed riders were paid to say about your product. I know for a fact I was pretty much given a gag order to prevent me from speaking my mind about your brakes to customers...because you know....SRAM does so much for racers.

4:06 wait...whut you say? Second half of April I can get new brakes? I can has stop?

Well kids its the second half of April. Your taxes done?

:40 second mark

 Stanley mentions his promise. Remember the second half of April?

UHHHHH oh you mean your going to production on 2015 product to remedy 2013 product about the exact same time you'd go into production for 2015 product anyway........mmmmmmmm? Say like in April. To get product to market for 2015...which is really 2014?

 Now Stanley. I realize you and your board are laughing your asses off. I mean bro, look at your tan. You just stepped off the yacht, and the boys are unloading the Martini's. You know by now you can just sell us anything. It doesn't even have to work. Why?

 Brother you have the best marketing team on earth. I mean you are trying to slide the Guido brakes under our noses tongue in cheek. I mean really. Half baked, half tanked marketing dudes were like
" if we use this font it looks like it says Guide" hahaha

" oh. it is supposed to say Guide, NOT Guido?"


Can't wait to try that.....


Thursday, March 27, 2014

#SRAM still trying to make you stop...

Recently the interwebs have been hilarious. Sram recently announced their new brake system. While many claim that I am just a Sram hater the comment sections of these releases provided non stop hilarity.

 From :

Which has the funniest way of putting tongue in cheek with this headline:


Tad Dickman - 03/25/14 - 12:09pm
I keep reading that name on the lever as the SRAM Guido
Mirwin - 03/25/14 - 12:11pm
“…combined with a piggyback reservoir instead of the Taperbore…”
Oh look, re-badged Juicy’s.
David - 03/25/14 - 12:23pm
I don’t know why they want to eliminate the gobble, that’s a “feature” at this point. “You can hear the quality!”
Skeptic mechanic - 03/25/14 - 12:25pm
Hopefully the release of these brakes wont mean doubling the amount of avid brakes i have to call in for warranty…
Nelson Muntz - 03/25/14 - 2:33pm
I can understand the name change to SRAM.
After the great success of their road discs….SRAM is the first name I think of when it comes to disc brakes.
And recalls.
And re-recalls.
Miles - 03/25/14 - 2:33pm
So if these are hitting the market June 2014, that should put the recall replacements in customer’s hands in the “second half” of February 2015?
captain derp - 03/25/14 - 2:38pm
because one full brake recall wasn’t enough
Nelson Muntz - 03/25/14 - 3:00pm
These SRAMs will actually be lighter than Shimano….because they won’t be on your bike after the recall.
But they will send you some BB5s as replacements so you can party like it’s 1999
rentedshoes - 03/26/14 - 10:38am
Holy crap, even the brand manager can’t look us in the eye when he tells us that these brakes are going to provide “noise-free operation.”
brandon kline - 03/25/14 - 6:24pm
just do us all a favor and give up on brakes already…

 I wonder if anyone at #SRAM reads these comments. Most likely. I know it provided fodder for bench talk at our shop for a day or two. The "Guido" comment was hilarious as a co worker took a quick glance at the press release and immediately wondered why Avid ( oops now SRAM ) would name a brake Guido. Everyone knows SRAVID can market the crap out of shit, but perhaps they need to re examine their font. 
 I am also amused at the name change. Facing the biggest flop in recent years, you drop the Avid name and go with SRAM? Avid was your bailout plan. You sent hundreds of Avid BB5's and BB7's out to rectify the debacle debut of SRAM HYDRO....and follow it up with the Guido, I mean Guide presented by SRAM. Let's all hope you guys rented a freezer for testing this time.

 Oh wait there's more. From VitalMTB:

1 day ago
No matter what color you make a turd, it still stinks!

"Avid brakes, those were garbage! But these new SRAM brakes are awesome!"


And I am sure this new design has been thoroughly tested, just like the road bike disk brakes that were recently recalled.

1 day ago
Maybe they got it right this time.. Ha.. Who am I kidding, this is SRAM we are talking about.

1 day ago
We heard this song and dance before for years.
Please don't spend your hard earned money on this crap !

 I am no engineer, I just fix their shit, or replace entire systems depending on the case. But the people at SRAVID have made a mockery of engineers everywhere. Poor system design after poor system design. Any wrench in the world knows what I mean when I say " I just got SRAMMED." Yup folks that's right I just won a free chain for our shop troubles....
 Call in with a Reverb issue you get a warranty and a free chain. WTF are they smoking? I'd be better off with some Reverb fluid, you know the consumable good I just used. How in the hell does a chain have anything to do with a Reverb? Send me at least a consumable good I can use for the product that failed. I know for a fact I will bleed some poor bastards Juicy's at least twice before they replace a chain. SRAM here's a hint...your chains last longer than anything else you make.

 To the FANBOYS. I don't care. Sure your SRAVID's work fine once their bled right. Sure you gotta know how to work on them. Sure hydraulic systems need maintenance. You see I know all this. The fact you are overlooking is I don't even know where my Tektro bleed kit is. EVEN TEKTRO BRAKES WORK BETTER.
Don't tell me about power. Don't even feign modulation to me. The fact that they are OEM spec on more bikes has nothing to do with how awesome they are. It has to do with how cheap they are and how many SRAVID can crank out of a production line to slap on TREKALIZED bikes as fast as possible. 
 Go ahead and tell me I just can't bleed them right. You sir are staring at your colon. If you can't bleed a SRAVID system you ain't a wrench. You are a grom. 

 As a company they really should quit hitting themselves in the nuts and forgo a new brake design every three years. But hey man, but THIS ones gonna work....for real. We promise.

Call me a hater. But the facts speak volumes in this case.
In case you give any fucks at all. The new Pike is the shit, blows 2013 and 2014 Fox outta the water. The trail brakes are surprisingly OK. Not nearly good enough to stop my desire to buy XT...yea pun intended.
The funniest thing I have come to learn is XO 11 speed kicks the shit outta XX1. The fact that their second tier line destroys the flagship premier line is proof of the shit show SRAVID is selling us. 

I seriously cannot wait for SRAM to debut their electronic road group. What could possibly go wrong there???
But realistically, we are a society that begs for crap to be shoved down our throats. Companies have figured out that we will take it upon ourselves to drown our buyers remorse with excuses and justifications. We no longer give any real fucks about quality. We just want to be cool. Don't believe me?
How fucking far do you have to walk to get a Starbucks?