Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Dear God. Good Sir.

Hide Your Kids.
Hide Your Wife.
And Hide your fucking beer. 

Any Bastard willing to customize a SoftRide Tri Bike
Can Kick your ass and out drink your so sorry self.

This is a monstrosity of epic proportions. It defiles all that is holy
in beer.
One can only assume this is done in jest.
The Irony has not escaped me.

Friday, June 10, 2011

unimaginable child cruelty

Ser. i. ous. ly?

What the hell did this kid ever do to be doomed to a life of Harley Davidson suffering?
Yeah I know, I bashed on them sheeple yesterday.

But W>T>F?
This "parent" is instilling a desire to wear Wranglers, Chaps, a T-shirt to some location they've never been, all because of this bike.
Wanna bet they don't wear a helmet, but rather protective bandanas?

I guess in all fairness, this bike not only hates its rider, but its existence on this sphere as a whole.
It probably sits parked in the third stall of some McMansion next to the kiddie Escalade with Dubs.

Poor thing probably only gets ridden on the weekends, and then only to some lone bar so it can sit all shiny in a parking display of similar non functional two wheeled devices. 

Do we really wonder why kids prefer XBox?
It's parents who buy this shite.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

The motorized edition...

Oh. Dear. God.

What in THE holy hell?

This is what happens when the Harley Guy sees too damn many 
Fast and Furious movies.
All you see here is lights.
Sorry my bad, next time I will get video so you can see this poor bike
change light colors like a friggin Christmas tree. It's bad enough they hang enough shiny decorations on their motorcycles, now they are REALLY following the Christmas tree path.
I would not be at all surprised if this guy has a shiny white star on order to place somewhere on top
of his pile of shiny.

I don't dislike ALL Harley owners.
Just the ones that have their pipes too g-damn loud,
pose their bike and themselves so we all no about their midlife crisis and that they like riding chromed out dildos. 

Wanna bet his protective baseball cap says GAP?

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Monday, June 6, 2011

Go back to assembling charcoal grills....

Welcome to the fattest place on Earth.
We wonder why we are despised the world over.
Well for one, we can't even take the time to assemble a bike correctly.

In other countries the bike is not just some toy your kid wants. 
It's livelihood.

Here in the suburban sprawl and shit storm of collagen injections, penis hardening pills, and gas guzzling monstrosities 
the bike is something to hate and belittle.

This device is actually pretty cool when you think about it.
Assembled correctly it can prolong a bikes life just a little. 
How many parents are just gonna bitch at little Johnny or Lisa when they bend the derailleure?
Probably a lot. 
Some have come in and laid their little bitch storm at my feet.
Well, I didn't buy a Walmart bike.
And I sure as hell didn't break this one.
But you're yelling at me( the guy about to fix your bike), and your kid, is a telling sign of your complete doucheness.

Tell ya what.
Buy a bike from a real shop.
Yeah it cost a bit more.
But it will work, be assembled correctly,
and keep another American working at a living wage.
Leave the Walmart guy alone to assemble your grill.
He hates bikes.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

A trusty steed desecrated...commuting gone awry.

A fine bike really. Until the owner started suffering from fumes.
Hockey tape over foam grips,
enough lights to grow plants,
and an Electra frame bag.

Add a homemade insulated water bottle, 
custom battery mount sharp enough to kill,

Here is where it gets really ugly. 
The drivetrain is so dirty the freewheel is fuzzy.
There is enough " I hate my bike " road grime on this bike I was scared to wrench on it.
I felt if I removed the grime it would fall apart, nothing hold a bike together like decades of built up desert dust and misuse of lube.

A closer view of the tube sock insulator. 

Need a Spritz?