Tuesday, December 20, 2011

To be a kid again...

Remember when you were young.

And 
no matter
fucking what

yourbikelovedyou?


Tomorrow AM.

It's on...

video

Grip it and rip it.

Someone

out there in the 
interwebbages

make adults a few of these.

just sayin.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Fat Bikes Fly Fine...

Forget calling them Snow Bikes.

Fat Bikes like life are what ya make it.

Lesson:


Sunday, December 11, 2011

what's in your bowl?

Wheaties ain't got shit on these skillz..





GETbreakfast from Ben Rowlands on Vimeo.

white people problems...


New guy here.
Took this over for the old guy,
who promises to send in Pics.
Torch has been passed and well...
here goes:



If you work in a shop you know 
ALL 
ABOUT 
WHITE 
PEOPLE 
PROBLEMS.

You know.
"What do you mean I need a new tube?"

Asslicker.
No they AREN'T fucking guaranteed for life.
You run over a nail
and goddamn right it'll go flat.

Please stop bitching about how much I charge you to fix it.
If you weren't so fuckin lazy you'd save $10 whole dollars.
Well no shit it took me 6 minutes to change your flat,

Do you know haw many lazy ass people there are ?
I've changed a million fuckin flats
I'd better be good at it.
Lazy wanker.

Oh, and just so you know.
that flat head screwdriver you plan on using to change your own flat 
when you get home...

( Because you too dumb to listen to me talk about Pedro's tire levers )

It's definitely gonna give you another flat,
and hopefully fuck up your rim.

"Whattya mean I need rim tape?"
 UHHHHG.

" My bikes not ready?"
Says the hag who refused to wait for a call or pay attention to the due date on the work order.
Uh, no.
We open at 10. It's 10:01.
"Damn it. I drive the SUV. My husband has a Corvette, he wants to ride tonight after golf. He is going to be so mad."

Awesome. That's a real life altering problem. It's fucking Tuesday. You are out ruining people's days, and your husband is playing Golf. It must suck so hard being you. I mean, MOST people have to work
for a living. Not you, you rich fucking prick. Go get your hair did, and have some Lipo.

Your Tri is this weekend.
You need new
 areo-bars, a fit, all new cables & housing, and tubulars glued on...
I love it when you wait till 5pm on a Friday.
I love it even more when you try telling me all this while on your cell phone with your "Besty".
It makes things even more awesome when you yell at me.
Wanna know why?

 I.
Don't.
Giveashit.
I'm punching out at 5:30.

Unless...
someone who isn't a total fuckingtardospaz
comes in with a real necessity,
talks TO me,
and is realistic in their expectations.

For that person...

THE WORLD.
and all while you wait in agony.
Cause you should understand
your problems

THEM ARE WHITE PEOPLE PROBLEMS.


Jokes.com
Uncensored - Louis C.K. - White People Problems
comedians.comedycentral.com
Louis C.K.ComediansStand-Up

And.
Godfriggindarnit.

" You don't have the new 2012 S Works 29er in my size? I was really hoping to have it for the race tomorrow..."

You mean the one you have been coming in everyday for a month to buy one damn thing at a time to help you train for?
You mean the one we set up for you everyday for two weeks?
The one you test rode 16 times?
 The one we fit you too?
The one you texted me 27 times about?
The one you refused to put on layaway?
Give a deposit on?
Place on 24 hour hold?
That one?

We sold it bitch. For cash. For full pop. To the guy who is gonna facefuckyouupeveryhillineveryraceforever.
Deal.




Monday, December 5, 2011

the torch

comes a time when you gotta pass the torch.

not lay down but pass.

i find it rather pleasant to render knowledge gained to another soul,
ready to fight the fight.

there is so much to teach,
and even more that is unteachable.
i learned a lot from a dude back in the day...
taught me about cable stretch.
hung a frickin brick by cable to prove to a "boss type"
that yeah asshat, cables stretch

how do you exactly teach the fine tuning of cable tension 
on a weathered,
tattered,
and severely downtrodden front derailleur?
one that should never have even been born,
were it not for walmart and the price driven two wheeled killers of our soul.
bikes that have no place.

or do they?

A friendly site posted pictures from a war torn region,
a mechanic,
a saviour,
in a severely war torn region. 
where looking the wrong direction can get you killed,
and speaking too long to the white devil may mean the end of your family.

them bikes there.
they are invincible.
the hands that touch those machines
are skilled beyond time
and hard.
harder than i.

Tina asked, what love has to do with it?
love is a simpletons description of what drives us.
treat me fairly and i'll fix anything.
I'll drop whatever $3000 rig i got going in the stand
to get a commuter up and running home in time for dinner,
to get the family jogger going,
and to get Fred back from his long 20 mile ride.

i'll even tell Fred that them whitey tighteys need to stay home,
would you?

i like sharing our well earned secrets
never claim i know them all.
learned something just a few days ago from someone i was 
passing on the handshake to.
never stop learning.

but please.
will someone stop this electrofucking11 bullshit?
when in the hell is this madness going to end?
ride that shit all by yourself in the
 garminzombiewattagefuckinapocalypse of marketingyoudontneedthatshitconsumerism
 that they are turning bikes into

i want bikes

the less plasticy

less plugged in

kind.

face it
a $9000 pedal bike
had better hit the 
g spot
everytime.

Friday, December 2, 2011

so you wanna sleep with another man's wife eh?

This is something that every wrench doing any thing can relate to 
sent in via the gmail over there on the right.

Got issues?
Need to vacate the hate?
or just let others know you feel the pain.
Send it.

We are a tribe.
anywrench can grab beers with another and 
become brothers
or sisters.
We all share the grimy handshake
of people who wrench
for passion.

The following is sent from one of our brothers 
in the sleepy south,
completely unedited
and fully uncorked.

POP!

No.
Absolutely not.
You may NOT use the shop tools.
…and when you have your temper tantrum,
WE:
Don’t give a fuck if you work(ed) in a bicycle shop.
Don’t give a fuck who you know.
Don’t give a fuck if we hung out a couple times.
Don’t give a fuck if you brought beer.
Don’t give a fuck if you “fix” all your douche bag friend’s bikes.
by the way, we know they are douche bags,
because they come to you for “service”,
and you smell like Massengil


you really think you built your own bike.
You didn’t.
You took the slapped together as fast as possible with an impact wrench bike shaped object and put on the front wheel and handle bar.
Anyone can open a box, put on handlebars and a front wheel.
Idiots at WalMart do it every day, and you see how those toys work…
well, if you work(ed) in a real bicycle shop you would,
…and you wouldn’t be asking to borrow tools.
did you check the true and tension?
did you set the compression on the bearings?
brake pads line up at all?
is anything at all torqued correctly?

Fuck no they ain’t.
No?
No way asshole,
didn’t think so.
HACK.
When you get work done on your car, do you go to the shop and borrow tools?
When you buy a sandwich, do you make it yourself?
When you go to the bank, do you get your own money?
Fuck no you don’t, 
cuz you have respect
whether it is forced or not, you don’t cross that line.
You know not to fuck with the guy bringing you food, or balancing your checking account, or working on your car.
You know not to fuck with them because it is not your place.
if you did/do work in a real bicycle shop, you would know not to fuck with us,
and you would understand the reason why.
…but you don’t
cuz you’re arrogant as fuck,
believe you know as much as we do,
believe you got skillz.
You don’t.
You HACK
We LIVE.
(yourbikehatesyou)
by the way, we sell tools.
asshole.